YOU like to think of yourself as a patron of the arts, because why else would you spend the best part of a grand on three nights in Scotland? Here are the shows you will most bitterly regret booking.
Student written play
When a sodden teenager thrust a disintegrating flyer into your hand, you couldn’t help but take up the call to be their hero. But you rue your kindness now. All the money in the world (which their accents imply their parents possess a great deal of) couldn’t save this piss-poor analogy for the pandemic told through monologues and shadow puppetry.
Something ‘immersive’
As much as you’re a liberal thinker, you’re of the firm belief that watching a show is a sedentary activity. They didn’t make you ‘vote for who you think is the true villain’ when you watched Top Gun: Maverick, and you didn’t have to take part in a shit flash mob dance that almost made you cringe your colon out either.
Improv (any)
Nothing can replicate the deep sense of dread you feel when they close the doors and you realise that not only are you sat on the front row, but the crowd is outnumbered by the cast, so you’re definitely going to be on stage at some point in the proceedings. You’ll be considering faking a heart attack just to escape it.
A 90s comic’s big comeback
You should be on solid ground here, you worshipped this guy when you were younger because he was so edgy and cool. Except he’s aged really badly and you can’t help but be distracted by the constant reminder that the passage of time must have ravaged you too. Plus, all his material on his kids is mediocre.
A circus with a message
Of course you’re against animals in circuses, it’s completely cruel and unethical. But when that clown starts up yet another bit of mask work about climate change, would you really object that much to a tiger pulling a Siegfried & Roy and getting this whole experience over much faster?
The Fawlty Towers dining experience
Why the f**k did you even book this? What is wrong with you?
