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Mulholland Drive, and other films you claim to love but you don't understand

IF the sad loss of David Lynch has spurred you to say you adore films that baffle you, you are far from alone. Never admit that these movies left you utterly bewildered: 

Mulholland Drive (2001)

A bona fide masterpiece, as long as nobody’s next to you going ‘what’s happening now? Who’s that cowboy? Why are they doing that?’ Mutter vaguely about ‘dream logic’ and ‘non-linear image-based storytelling’ while avoiding the simple truth about the film: the first half is a load of bollocks while the second half is utter guff.

Tenet (2020)

You tell everyone that Tenet is a fascinating thought experiment, but what you really mean is that you tried to follow it, even using a guide off the internet, and failed. The bit with the red and blue rooms gave you a migraine. Apparently the wife is moving forwards in time while the kidnappers are moving backwards. Or the other way around.

Blade Runner (1982)

Interpreting Blade Runner is not helped by there being multiple different versions, all with their adherents. How many replicants have escaped? Nobody knows. Is Deckard a replicant? Possibly. Does Harrison Ford give the impression that he regrets being in this movie? Definitely. Would reading the book help? Absolutely not.

Donnie Darko (2001)

So confusing it needed a whole website to provide additional clues. With its moody vibe and retro-indie soundtrack, it was the epitome of cool in 2001. Unfortunately, you mistook ‘cool’ for ‘good’ and decided the ambiguity of the movie made it deep and meaningful. In fact it was as shallow as its model-dating, Swift-dumping star turned out to be.

Primer (2004) 

The film attempts to depict how complicated and messy time travel would be, leading you to misinterpret incomprehensibility for intellectual heft. It might make sense to someone, but they’re busy working on the Large Hadron Collider. You’re pretty sure there’s a twist at the end but you’ve no f**king idea what it is. Though praised it as ‘genius’ regardless.

2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)

Deliberately enigmatic, you have no idea what’s going on after a certain point and are pretty sketchy about the lead-up. What is the monolith telling us? Can the giant space baby that’s poised to invade Earth at the end be fought off with lasers? Was Stanley Kubrick, as many were at the time, simply extremely high?

Is it a curse if you're being a twat? Important questions about cursed TV and films

THE curse of Strictly has claimed another victim, GoCompare man Wynne Evans. But are dark supernatural forces undeniably at work, or is there a simpler explanation?

Who placed the curse?

Normally cursing is the province of witches but it’s no longer a popular career choice, and there are fewer ancient Egyptian priests than there used to be. Leading spiritual figures Jesus and God have been known to curse things but are they Strictly viewers? Did they curse it in fury after their devout servant Ann Widdecombe was voted off?

Is it a curse or is being a twat a factor?

It’s only a few months since Wynne Evans was in trouble for allegedly groping dancer Katya Jones. Then, apparently to settle doubts about that, he joked about ‘spit-roasting’ dancer Janette Manrara. Could unpleasant comments about sex acts have caused Wynne’s misfortunes rather than the occult? It’s certainly a possibility.

Why are the curses so boring?

The Wizard of Oz gets described as cursed for suffering mishaps like flying monkeys plummeting to the ground when wires snapped and the Tin Man getting aluminium poisoning from his makeup. But it’s lightweight. Where’s the gory Final Destination curse of the Tin Man tripping and impaling Judy Garland on his metal funnel, blood spurting everywhere?

Are class A drugs somehow cursed?

The Curse of Hollyoaks refers to the spooky number of actors with addiction problems. And it’s hard to see how a predominantly young cast earning loads of money on a show where wraps of coke were given as welcoming gifts could veer off the straight and narrow. An investigation may reveal the set was built on a native American burial ground.

Why are curses entirely in keeping with probability?

The film Poltergeist is supposedly cursed, after four actors died during or soon after filming. But why so few of the hundreds involved? The low body count would seem to be evidence against the supernatural, unless curses avoid suspicion and thought unleashing a shark on Steven Spielberg in his own bath would be too obvious.

Do incredibly dangerous things increase the likelihood of curse-like effects such as death?

In Twilight Zone: The Movie two actors were decapitated by a helicopter blade and another was crushed under a skid. The fact that the scene involved detonating a large explosive charge under a real helicopter hovering dangerously low does point to a non-supernatural explanation. But looking at it rationally, the helicopter was probably cursed.

Why do only shit programmes attract curses?

Only bad shows are cursed – light entertainment crap like Strictly, dogshit like Hollyoaks and miserable shite like EastEnders. You never hear of ‘the curse of Game of Thrones’. Is there a latter-day witch out there, perhaps a malevolent Wiccan, who is a harsh critic of lazy programming and hates the BBC even more than the Daily Mail does?

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