HOPING to finish work bang on time for once? No chance. One of these twists of fate is about to royally screw you over.
The no-life boss
Your boss is recently divorced and now lives alone, and as a result works late every night. Unfortunately, he presumes everyone else is also a sad bastard with nothing better to do. He’ll call you into his office just as you’re about to put your coat on to talk sales projections, quarterly figures, and other bollocks that could have waited until the morning. And you’ll stay and listen because you want a pay rise.
That email you’ve been ignoring
A mandatory cyber security training course has been in your inbox for weeks, but you’ve avoided doing it because it’s so tedious. Queue the 5.25pm reminder that it has to be completed by 9am tomorrow if you want to avoid disciplinary action. You race through it, half-reading the questions, and getting it wrong, which means you have to start all over again. It wouldn’t be so bad, but you’ve spent all afternoon when you could have been doing it properly pissing about on the internet.
The distraught colleague
You’re nearly at the door and say goodnight to Karen, who has been quiet all day, so you ask in passing if she’s alright. Bad move. She’s now in floods of tears telling you how she’s convinced her boyfriend is having an affair. You can’t just walk away without looking like an insensitive twat, so now you’re stuck there for another 30 minutes handing her tissues and agreeing he’s a ‘horrendous bastard with a tiny penis’.
The wanker’s leaving do
You’d forgotten it was Colin’s leaving drinks tonight, mainly because he’s a boring tosser. Your more wily colleagues have pre-planned a bullshit excuse and are leaving with a brief handshake, which leaves just you, sad Karen and your boss going to the pub with him. The worst of it is that Colin promises to keep in touch because now he thinks you’re his friend.
The f**king computer update
Your laptop has had all day to prompt you to reboot and update software, but has it bothered? No, it hangs on until you hit the power off key to launch it. ‘Please wait a moment’, it lies, and you’re sat there watching the icon swirling away for the next 40 sodding minutes.
The cleaner’s life story
You’re all good to go and politely say a passing hello to the cleaner who’s just rocked up. This opens the floodgates and you have to listen to a rant about how their mother’s not been well, their son can’t get a job and the dog’s got an ulcer. You don’t want to cut them short, but deep down you’re wondering how the menial classes cope with such a vacuous existence. Which makes you exactly the type of snobby bellend they already had you down for anyway. Maybe that’s why they never empty your bin.
