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Glastonbury twats on train worse than rail strike

THE presence of morons returning from Glastonbury by train is worse than the rail strike was, other passengers have confirmed.

Travellers sharing their limited carriage space with white dreadlocked middle-class hippies who stink of damp clothes and weed are in agreement that three days of mass rail disruption were preferable in comparison.

Passenger Kelly Howard said: “The strikes were disruptive, but at least the workers on the picket line were fighting for a good cause. These tie-dye and sequin-wearing twats have got no excuse for their annoying behaviour.

“The luggage racks were filled with their massive flags, and they spent the whole journey watching gig footage they shot on their phones at maximum volume. I felt like I was there, mainly because I was surrounded by irritating pricks ruining the experience.

“I tried to move to first class to get away from them, but it was overrun by rich wankers on comedowns who clearly stay in those ruinously expensive pre-pitched glamping tents. In the end I just hid in the toilets until I reached my stop.”

RMT general secretary Mick Lynch said: “Our next strike will target these sorts of festival-going dickhead specifically. We’ll have full public support so I expect our demands to be met instantly.”

The top five emotional blackmail techniques your mum will use on you this week

WHILE some take up wild swimming and others knit, your mum’s favourite hobby is wearing down your spirit. Here’s how this week’s psychological warfare will go.

The phone call at work

Despite the fact that you’ve been a working adult for 15 years, your mum still can’t understand why you aren’t free at 2pm on a Monday for a 40-minute catch up. When you tell her your boss doesn’t like it, she’ll comment that she doesn’t see why that matters. It’s not as if you’ve got a proper job, like your cousin.

Ominous texts

Ignoring her calls won’t get you off the hook. You’ll instead be sent stomach-dropping messages such as ‘Call back ASAP’ or the classic ‘Something’s happened!’. Turns out it will only be a story about your dad not being able to get a dentist appointment, but you rang back and that’s all that matters.

Passive-aggressive Facebook posts

If she isn’t getting your attention yet, your mum will dig out a photo of you aged seven, looking like an absolute dork, and post it with the caption ‘Back when mummy was still the centre of his world’. Sadly, this effort won’t have the impact she hopes for because no one apart from her and your weird Uncle Dennis looks at Facebook anymore.

Telling you your dad misses you

She’ll turn up the manipulation a notch higher by telling you your dad misses you terribly, but he’s too stoic to say anything. He was born in the 50s, you know, when men weren’t allowed to talk about their feelings, and you are terribly selfish for not being sensitive to this fact. When you do give him a ring he tells you to bugger off because he’s watching the Grand Prix.

‘You won’t have to worry about me when I’m dead’

Your mum isn’t afraid to go for the nuclear option and suggest that your life will be better once hers has ended. It’s not like you can agree, even though you’ll finally be able to sell that five-bedroom detached villa they insist they still need. It’s time to bow to her emotional terrorism and pay her a visit, if only so your inheritance remains intact.

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