THE Tories have gone into full panic mode and started gibbering incoherently about everything from Banksy to the horror of a four-day week. But which unlikely threat is the most hilarious?
Banksy is a psychopath
It’s no fun mocking James Cleverly’s name anymore, but he lived up to his reputation for nominative irony by claiming Banksy’s model dinghy at Glastonbury, passed around in a show of solidarity for asylum seekers, was a ‘celebration of loss of life’. Strangely this didn’t increase support for the Tories own callous policies. Noticing the bemused/appalled reaction, Cleverly had to backtrack, saying it was a failed joke. A joke about drowned refugees. What a dick.
Hilarity rating: 7/10, apart from the bleakness
The unions will bring in a four-day week
Firstly, most people don’t actually like working, so having to do less of it is not exactly a chilling threat. Secondly, the Tories regularly invoke ‘the unions’, but barely anyone’s been a member of one since the 1980s when Thatcher destroyed them. Lastly and most saliently, would Starmer ever piss off his big business chums with something as radical as a four-day week? Of course not. If this ludicrous idea genuinely terrifies you, then presumably so do zombies, megalodons and evil dolls.
Hilarity rating: 9/10
Keir Starmer’s ‘supermajority’
Whatever your views on Sir Keir, him getting a large majority is entirely the Tories’ own fault, and adding the word ‘super’ doesn’t make it undemocratic and repressive. It doesn’t suddenly give Starmer dictatorial powers to shoot political opponents or claim women for his personal harem. Which would surely be the most awkward, uncomfortable harem in history.
Hilarity rating: 7/10
David Tennant is an ‘optics’ racist
Kemi Badenoch criticised David Tennant for ‘the optics’ of a white man taking issue with ‘the only black woman in government’ over her comments about trans people. We see what you did there, Kemi. So, a Tory widely and correctly perceived to be a self-serving, lying, devious cow, decides to pit herself against Tennant, who seems a nice chap and is probably the second most popular Doctor Who ever. Gosh, who on earth will the public side with?
Hilarity rating: For the pathetically transparent deviousness, 9/10
Labour will trash pensions
The exact details are genuinely too tedious to relate, but with a bit of blatant lying the Conservatives have been claiming in a Facebook ad that Labour are ultra-stingy with pensions. Two problems here: first you have to trust the sums of Tories who cooked up an entirely fictitious £2,000 tax rise for everyone in Britain under Labour. Second, it’s firmly established that Facebook is where you go to scam gullible old people, which really tells you all you need to know. It’s lucky it was just a stupid campaign ad and not Grant Shapps trying to get them to invest in a get-rich-quick scheme.
Hilarity rating: 8/10
Putin will love a Labour government
Starmer will weaken our military, leaving Vlad cackling with glee as he makes plans for Stoke, Prestatyn and Slough to become jewels in the imperial Russian crown. Presumably the Tories neglected to notice that Starmer plans to increase defence spending, and tells every TV interviewer that he’s psychopathically eager to start nuking Britain’s (unspecified) enemies. It’s almost as if Labour somehow remembered the Tories hammering them on defence at every f**king election, and planned for this eventuality. Also, you don’t need the strategic insight of Rommel to notice that Russia’s army is a bit tied up at the moment.
Hilarity rating: 7/10
Labour hates women
Obviously this is ‘hates women’ in the new modern sense, which is ‘doesn’t hate transgender people enough’. But it’s more baffling than anything else. Starmer has been so keen to distance himself from trans rights he’s practically heading out of the solar system, and Rachel Reeves is falling over herself to give ‘assurances’ to JK Rowling. It’s only right that Joanne be consulted on the complex issues of transitioning and gender identity, because she did invent quidditch.
Hilarity rating: 10/10
