subscribe
/ Sign Out

Secret plan to cancel Christmas thwarted by journalists for 23rd year running

FEARLESS investigative right-wing journalists have once again managed to stop a conspiracy to cancel Christmas.

A cabal of militant Muslims, Labour councils and do-gooders wanted to ban the festive season, meaning that any reference to baby Jesus or Santa would have been somehow forbidden and putting up decorations would result in criminal proceedings.

But thanks to the efforts of angry tabloid columnists working closely with journalists at The Telegraph and The Sunday Times, none of these things materialised in any form whatsoever. 

Telegraph reporter Tom Booker said: “Every year it gets worse. If these plotters had their way it wouldn’t be ‘Christmas’, it’d be ‘Wokemas’, ‘Muslim-mas’ or ‘Corbynmas’.

“Luckily we found a way to stop the town hall Talibans and Britain-hating liberals – we pulled the whole thing completely out of our arses. There’s no more effective way to stop something happening than it not existing in the first place.

“That’s how we stole a march on the PC-Remoaner-Islamist brigade. Rather than talk to any of them – they’d just deny everything like they do every year – we focus very much on what we think they’re planning. 

“I’m pretty they want Rudolph to wear a burqa this year. I definitely imagined that.

“And that’s how Christmas was saved by tireless, underpaid voices in the wilderness like Richard Littlejohn, Julie Burchill and me. So merry Christmas, one and all, except asylum seekers.”

Six phone lock screens you'll rightly get the piss taken out of you for

FROM the overly saccharine to the hopelessly unfashionable, these lock screen pictures can do serious damage to your street cred.

A meaningful quote 

Usually accompanied by the sun setting on a tropical horizon, an inspirational quote is a particularly insipid choice which richly deserves the pitying looks it gets. It’s unlikely that your friends will pass comment though, because that that cursive ‘Never give up’ you rely on for daily motivation has them worried you’re close to the edge.

Your girlfriend 

You like to think it touchingly makes you look like a First World War soldier with a soggy photograph of his sweetheart in his breast pocket. But actually it sends out the message that she owns you like a pet and quite possibly made you upload this dull photo as a reminder of your bondage. 

A meme from several years ago 

A guaranteed way to mark yourself out as a hopeless old fuddy-duddy. Perhaps the hilarity of a low-res screenshotted Facebook post of Homer Simpson has been an enduring pick-me-up for you, but to your teenage relatives it just means you’re a soon-to-be-dead relic of a bygone era, even if you’re 38.

Your dog 

Should this touching tribute to your pet include some kind of love heart or pawprint filter, you are in justified bullying territory. You no doubt have many pictures exactly like this one which your friends are sick to the back teeth of seeing, and often refer to yourself as a ‘dog dad’, or something equally creepy. 

Yourself 

This is unforgivably vain, whether you’re standing in front of one of the Seven Wonders of the World or not. The only people who have pictures of themselves everywhere are unhinged dictators, so you’re either a would-be Stalin or a hopeless narcissist who derives pleasure from gazing at your own shit-eating grin. It’s a handy warning to potential partners, though.

Whatever came with the phone 

You’ve opted to leave your phone on factory settings and that nondescript stock image of a mountain range says much more about you than a niche reference to your interests or a personal memory. Specifically, it says: ‘I am dull as f**k, creatively bereft or shockingly lazy.’ You may also have an old Nokia ringtone that makes everyone look for the old codger in the room.

Next story ›