subscribe
/ Sign Out

The Mash guide to the will of the British people

LEAVE voters insist Brexit must happen due to the will of the people, but what other stupid things have the British people voted for?

Boaty McBoatface

Give Britain the opportunity to name the Natural Environment Research Council’s new polar-research vessel and they’ll think up the most childish name possible and then vote for it in droves. Now that boat is a bitter alcoholic that calls itself a generic boat name like ‘Voyager’ while obsessing about revenge.

Boris Johnson

Even when given a predetermined set of options to vote for, the British public are still determined to vote for the most stupid thing of all, using the well thought-out argument of “it’ll be a laugh”. Hence the thatched toddler was allowed to run London.

Banksy

Simple stencil of sad child losing a balloon versus a lyrical landscape by Constable, one of the great 19th century painters? No contest, says Britain.

Cheese and onion crisps

If there’s one thing Britain is good at, it is eating crisps. Cheese and onion was recently voted the country’s favourite crisp flavour, with nobody bothering to point out that it does not remotely taste of fucking onion.

Everton manager job advert heavily implies it is for Liverpool

EVERTON have begun searching for a new manager with an advert offering the chance to lead a ‘historic, prestigious club based in Liverpool’.

Applicants have reported severe disappointment at discovering the role is in fact with Everton Football Club, particularly questioning the use of the word ‘prestigious’.

Sean Dyche said: “Describing Everton as a ‘Liverpool-based football club’ is like describing Oxford Brookes as ‘an Oxford-based university’ or spam as a pork-based meat.

“When they mentioned ‘a past track record of European glory’ it turned out they were referring to the European Cup Winners’ Cup in 1984-85.

“Even the picture at the top of the advert was from the Merseyside derby so you could mostly see Liverpool players and fans.

“I’ll ask at the interview whether there’s a way to get transferred to Anfield if I do a good job.”

Former manager Ronald Koeman said: “I honestly believed I was Liverpool boss until a few days ago. I presumed we’d just been wearing our third kit a lot.

“It does now make a lot more sense of why I never heard a single rendition of You’ll Never Walk Alone and why we tended to lose to people like Burnley.”

Next story ›