You feel like shit. Is everyone a dickhead and everything against you? Or do you just need a bun? Take this simple test:
How are you feeling right now?
a) Like I want to break something. I’m not exactly sure why; maybe because my job is an endless carousel of pointless meetings full of arseholes.
b) Like I want to break something. I’m not exactly sure why, but I want to kick my computer to pieces and walk away from this office forever, ideally past a Greggs where I’d buy a steak bake.
What’s the biggest cause of stress in your life at the moment?
a) This low-level feeling that I will never be respected because my piece-of-shit line manager keeps belittling me and I’m the butt of everyone’s jokes.
b) This low-level feeling about pastry and the fact that I ate my lunch at 11.30am. And my piece-of-shit line manager.
Let’s look long-term: how does today compare to other recent days?
a) Much the same, although there was a day last week when the computers went down and we all got to fuck off three hours early. I felt alive. That was a good day.
b) Much the same, although one my colleagues brought some chocolate Hobnobs in yesterday. I felt alive. That was a good day.
How is your evening looking?
a) Heavy. I am going to lie on my sofa, whack on a boxset and gorge myself on German sausages until I cannot move.
b) Heavy. I am going to lie on my sofa, spend hours looking for jobs online and take a series of personality tests until I cannot move.
Mostly As
All signs point to hunger rather than existential crisis. Eat some crisps. You’ll be fine.
Mostly Bs
Existential crisis ahoy! By all means have a snack, but don’t feel bad if you turn to alcohol, drugs or sex addiction to get through it. It’s ‘whatever works’ when you’re in this kind of shitshow.
