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Look at the size of this f**king bee, say scientists

AN absolutely massive bee has been found in a remote region of Indonesia by a team of totally freaked-out entomologists.

The scientists, from the Institute for Studies, spotted the ‘utterly mental thing’ during a five-day trek through a jungle.

Expedition leader Professor Wayne Hayes said: “I was filling my water bottle when I saw this huge fucking thing and I shouted to my mate Dave, I said, ‘Dave, look at the size of that fucker!’ and Dave was like, ‘Jesus Christ, it’s a fucking monster!’.

“I shouted over to Stevie and Ben, I said, ‘get a look at this bastard’ and they’re like ‘no way man, that’s mental’ – they were totally freaking out.”

Professor Hayes added: “Ben was like, ‘that’s a bee, it’s totally a bee’ and I was going, ‘naah, it’s some kind of freaky seagull or a weird-looking, fucked-up bat.’”

Dr David Hobbs added: “Wayne said I should try and catch it, and I was like, ‘you fucking catch it’.

“So anyway, we tell Stevie that it’s his turn to catch something and he’s totally pissed off, but he tears after it anyway, shouting, ‘come here you dirty big bastard, I want to put you in a bottle’.”

Dr Steven McKay added: “We also found this manky little thing with huge fucking claws. Apparently it’s a beetle.

“Dave tried to give it a Monster Munch, but it wasn’t interested.”

Why I am leaving the Empire, by Darth Vader

TODAY is my last day at the Empire.

After almost 12 years, first as a summer intern, then in the Death Star and now in London, I believe I have worked here long enough to understand the trajectory of its culture, its people and its massive, genocidal space machines. And I can honestly say that the environment now is as toxic and destructive as I have ever seen it.

The Empire is one of the galaxy’s largest and most important oppressive regimes and it is too integral to galactic murder to continue to act this way. The organisation has veered so far from the place I joined right out of Yoda College that I can no longer in good conscience point menacingly and say that I identify with what it stands for.

For more than a decade I recruited and mentored candidates, some of whom were my secret children, through our gruelling interview process. In 2006 I managed the summer intern program in detecting strange disturbances in the Force for the 80 younglings who made the cut.

I knew it was time to leave when I realised I could no longer speak to these students inside their heads and tell them what a great place this was to work.

How did we get here? The Empire changed the way it thought about leadership. Leadership used to be about ideas, setting an example and killing your former mentor with a light sabre. Today you can be promoted into a position of influence, even if you have a disturbing lack of faith.

When I first joined I didn’t know where the bathroom was, or how to tie my shoelaces telepathically. I was taught to be concerned with learning the ropes, finding out what a protocol droid was and putting my helmet on properly so people could not see my badly damaged head.

My proudest moments in life – the pod race, being lured over to the Dark Side and winning a bronze medal for mind control ping-pong at the Midi-Chlorian Games – known as the Jedi Olympics – have all come through hard work, with no shortcuts.

The Empire today has become too much about shortcuts and not enough about remote strangulation. It just doesn’t feel right to me anymore.

I hope this can be a wake-up call. Make killing people in terrifying and unstoppable ways the focal point again. Without it you will not exist. Weed out the morally bankrupt people, no matter how much non-existent Alderaan real estate they sell. And get the culture right again, so people want to make millions of voices cry out in terror before being suddenly silenced.

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