Dear Holly,
My new boyfriend is really sweet and fun and attractive. The problem is that he’s got a tiny penis, and I can't help being slightly repulsed by its meagre dimensions. I've told him size doesn't matter, and that it's really not that small, but whenever we have sex I find myself secretly balking at the sight of his pathetic little cocktail sausage. Do you think I should finish the relationship?
Emma,
Bangor

Dear Emma,
The male member is a fascinating and sinister object. The first time I encountered one was in the garden when my granny's dog, Sergeant Bilko, was playing with my sister. They were bouncing about on the lawn, when suddenly he went all frisky and started trying to rub himself against my sister. I noticed that a little red lipstick had started to come out from between his legs. I didn't say anything though, I just watched it getting longer. My sister thought he was dancing with her and she was laughing and shouting at my granny and grandpa telling them to watch Bilko dance with her. Then I was laughing too, because Sergeant Bilko had done a white wee-wee on her back.
So if I were you, I'd avoid anyone with a penis, no matter how big or small, and if you get invited to dance make sure you've got plenty of tissues handy.
Hope that helps!
Holly