Sport Headlines

CELTIC fans will replace sectarian chants with derogatory comments about furnishings at this weekend’s Old Firm derby.

BRITAIN'S Olympic team need have no fear of rampaging bulls, it has been confirmed.

WALES will use its Grand Slam victory as a spur to tackle its eternal adversary, fire.

CHELSEA will make an audacious bid to get relegated in an attempt to keep Fernando Torres on the scoresheet.

THE exit of Manchester from European competition has allowed for the removal of plastic sofa covers and the appearance of the good cutlery.

THE chairman of the premier league last night accused China of stealing great British recipes like egg foo yung and Szechuan chicken.

MANCHESTER City may still manage to utterly ruin their fans' summer after losing to a team costing less than Mario Balotelli's firework holster.

HARRY Redknapp has defended Gareth Bale’s precarious goalmouth balance, claiming the midfielder has an inner-ear issue.

TV strop-wrangler Jo Frost will manage Chelsea until it behaves itself.

FRANK Lampard has reminded David Luiz of the ancient prophecy that proclaims him the One True Lord Of Stamford Bridge.