Sport Headlines

REAL Madrid manager Jose Mourinho has flown to England, unsettling every manager, player and chairman in the Premier League with a day of house-hunting and mysterious omens.

LEWIS Hamilton's recent dip in form is because he is actually in his mid eighties, it has emerged.

AMID unprecedented levels of schadenfreude, England said it is now time it had its own word for it.

SAMIR Nasri will spend the rest of his career going from club to club trying to do right, confirmed his agent. 

TECTONIC striker Emmanuel Adebayor is considering a move to Spurs to cheer up Arsenal fans.

From the darkest corners of your nightmares, this season's biggest frightfest is... BARTON!

POLICE last night thanked the Premier League for lulling an over-excited Britain back to sleep.

SATURDAY'S football fixtures will go ahead after police agreed to issue every spectator with a riot shield and a stick.

NEIGHBOURS of Arsenal have called the police after Arsene Wenger had a screaming argument with Cesc Fabregas in the early hours of the morning.

NEWCASTLE United have admitted they have been deluged with offers from clubs wanting to show Joey Barton exactly where the sun does not shine.