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Bale has inner-ear problem, says Redknapp

HARRY Redknapp has defended Gareth Bale’s precarious goalmouth balance, claiming the midfielder has an inner-ear issue.

Silverback Bale has been criticised for his Tom Daley-esque levels of diving but the Spurs manager said that he simply has an allergic aural canal reaction to goal netting that makes him fall over a lot.

Tottenham stadium announcers have tried to lessen the impact of each tumble by accompanying them with the sound of swanee whistles and timpani drums, as well as giving the footage to You’ve Been Framed with a £250 charity donation for each clip.

Redknapp said “You also have to remember that Gareth is Welsh so the sight of all the electric lights and women without beards is bound to make him a little giddy, especially when we’re 1-0 down.”

The FA has investigated the allegations of Bale’s variable interactions with gravity and is considering introducing a new booking offence as a result.

In addition to the current offence of ‘simulation’, players may now be booked for ’full surround-sound, scratch & sniff, 3-D CGI deception’.

Spurs face Everton at Goodison Park tomorrow and the Merseyside club have installed grab rails along the touchlines of the pitch to help the unsteady Spurs midfielder.

Redknapp added: “I think if Gareth was English there wouldn’t be all this fuss and it’s only the fact he’s Welsh and therefore technically another species that he’s singled out.”

 

 

Babestation launches feminist jiggling

HYPNOTIC adult television channel Babestation has unveiled three new types of quasi-sexual writhing to celebrate International Women’s Day.

The channel, which is popular with drunkards and men lying on hotel beds at night, regularly updates its models’ jiggling techniques to keep things fresh for viewers.

Each batch of jiggles has a theme – past examples including  ‘Endangered Species’ and ‘Heroes of the Industrial Revolution’ – the most recent being inspired by International Women’s Day, which is a global event encouraging appreciation for women’s social, economic and political achievements.

A Babestation spokesman said: “These are feminist jiggles, inspired by notions of equality and respect with a heavy historical nod to the Suffragist movement.

“First off we have ‘Pankhurst’, an assertive, disobedient jiggle where the model holds both legs akimbo and, while snarling at the camera, hops about the studio like an upturned sand crab trying to right itself, while miming into a headset.

“The indomitable ‘Fawcett’ is a full-body shudder resonating from the solar plexus, accompanied by the act of mock-fellatio on a mobile telephone.

“‘Paglia’, so-called because of its iconoclastic nature, involves looking back and to the left while sucking a thumb and alternately flexing each buttocks. It’s a modernist update of the ‘beckoning bounce’ type of jiggle.”

Buxom, tired-in-the-soul Babestation performer Nikki Hollis said: “Emmeline Pankhurst refused to accept social boundaries, just as Babestation refuses to accept jiggle boundaries and constantly pushes against jiggle convention.”

She said: “Come and watch me play, I’m so horny for you.

“Whoever you might be.”

Babestation fan Tom Logan said: “When I’m slightly drunk I like to sit and let Babestation wash over me, like a warm lapping ocean of stale sweat with cigarette butts in it.”

 

 

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