REFEREE Howard Webb is to be used by police by ignoring his opinion on everything.
Following his performance in yesterday's Manchester United v Liverpool match, detectives have decided that Webb could be reliably wrong about any given situation he was presented with.
He will be asked to read the alibis of suspected murderers and if he says their story sounds feasible, they will be arrested immediately.
Chief Inspector Norman Steele said: "We showed Mr Webb photos of OJ Simpson and he asked whether he could introduce him to his sister.
"While this was going on, the radio was playing Robbie Williams' latest single in the background and he remarked how catchy it was. He is perfectly wrong about everything."
City workers are also said to be interested in Webb's negative predictive capabilities, with one investment bank hoping to link their traders' portfolios directly to his opinions.
Julian Cook, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "How could it possibly be worse than any of the other methods we use?"
Webb became a referee after his investments in Betamax video and Will Mellor's pop career foundered, while his progress in Sunday League football got off to a shaky start as he would invariably arrive at Hackney Marshes on a Saturday and book everyone on both teams for bringing the game into disrepute by not turning up.
But his rise to Premiership status was due to a loophole in clause five, paragraph 14, subsection three of the Football Association's refereeing code which states that a twat can do it.
But Liverpool coach Rafael Benitez admitted that United should have been awarded a controversial penalty, adding: "On the last Sunday of every eighth March, Sagazan the Unfathomable must be appeased with a penalty for an event that occurred well outside the area.
"I remember seeing Howard award one for an illegal kickoff in the central circle once."
He insisted: "Oh, don't worry, I am vaguely aware of just how bat-stranglingly mental I am, but you've really got to tip your cheese hat to somebody at his level of wrong."
