CHIPPY millionaire Andy Murray will send an IKEA Aspelund wardrobe in his place for all future Grand Slam finals.
The Lawn Tennis Association has approved the plan and applied for Lottery funding to get the superior three-door model with the extra shelving and the mirror. The LTA did consider the technically superior Hemnes before deciding it was just that bit too expensive.
LTA chief, Denys Finch-Hatton, said: “The Aspelund’s a lot broader and taller than Andy so it is more likely to come into contact with the ball.
“It’s also less likely to strop like a prick if its barley water is the wrong shade of beige or there’s a randomly-generated and arbitrarily incorrect number of towels by its chair.”
Some fans have complained the wardrobe is technically Swedish, although Hatton stressed it will be assembled in the UK and had been sitting in a Leeds warehouse since it arrived from China.
He added: “Once people see its increased mobility on the baseline and of course its greater level of charisma, the Lundmania can begin.”
Confused and lonely Carlisle housewife Margaret Hollis has already constructed a shrine to the newest flat-pack star on the ATP circuit and biologically marked her territory on Wimbledon’s renamed ‘Aspelund’s Acclivity’.
She said: “After all the effing and jeffing from the last one, watching a piece of taciturn Nordic furniture fail to win a set will be a refreshing change.
“Although I am worried about his fitness after hearing there were a couple of dowels missing from the little plastic bag.”
