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'It was worth it for the wild thrill-ride of success we've been on' says Everton fan

AN Everton fan has said the Premier League can deduct ten points but cannot take away the memories of his club’s incredible last few years.

Everton are second from bottom and face relegation after the deduction for breaching profit and sustainability rules, but Oliver O’Connor of Wallasey admitted it was worth the sacrifice for their successes.

He continued: “What are a few points and a 72-year record of top-flight football anyway? Compared to the joy supporting Everton’s brought me in recent years?

“The two-nil derby victory in an empty stadium during lockdown, our triumphant tenth-place finish that very same year, avoiding relegation with a whole game to go in ’22 and in the very last game last season, the list goes on.

“Alright, with results like that and buying players like Chermiti and Danjuma it was clear we were living beyond our means. We went on a no-holds-barred trolley dash through the best and brightest players in the world, and that doesn’t come for free.

“Still, with glamour signings like Conor Coady and former Burnley boss Sean Dyche at the helm, to the envy of all Europe, at least we can say we lived the dream. The flame that burns twice as bright burns half as long.

“These were our glory days. I’m just glad I was here to see them.”

Six occasions premature ejaculation can be a real time-saver

PREMATURE ejaculation can be an embarrassing biological reflex but there are times it can work in your favour, Roy Hobbs explains.

Shower sex

Sex in the shower can keep the spark in your relationship alive, but the cost of living crisis isn’t over yet and water and electricity aren’t cheap. When my wife joined me for an erotic wash, it was all I could do to get hard while picturing our next energy bill. Mercifully, my overly-sensitive genitals came to the rescue and we were towelling off in 30 seconds.

Dogging

If you live in the city like me, decent dogging sites can take hours to drive to. This is a nightmare if you’re looking to squeeze in some exhibitionist fun on a work night, so count yourself lucky if the old boy gets carried away and blows its beans too soon. Even the onlookers will be grateful to call it a night relatively early.

Joining the mile-high club

Sex on a plane needs to happen quickly before other passengers and flight attendants get suspicious. This is not the time for epic tantric shags Sting would be proud of. You need to be in and out in less than a minute, which is impossible for all but the most delicate of cocks. If you have no self-restraint though, have at it.

Attending a Dutch brothel

Amsterdam truly is one of the world’s most beautiful cities. The less time spent in the red light district rocking a sex worker’s world, the more time you can spend at the Anne Frank museum. Or, more realistically, crashed out on your hotel bed after smoking a joint locals would describe as weak.

Morning sex

Back when my wife and I shared the same bed, we would sometimes start the day with some virile rutting. This reckless display of passion would cast our morning routines into disarray, with her missing the bus to work and me not having enough time to make a packed lunch. With every thrust I wished I had nutted in a timely manner.

Work wank

CEOs are always ranting on about worker efficiency, but they never pay premature ejaculators their dues. When three o’clock hits and I sneak off to the loos for a cheeky hand shandy, I’m back at my desk ready to dive into some spreadsheets 60 seconds later. Because I’m a professional.

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