LIVERPOOL coach Rafael Benitez was last night handed a £20m transfer budget to spend on one big-name signing or shit away on a collection of abject losers that you've never heard of.
In the wake of a strong title challenge the club's owners want to reward the Anfield support with a range of exciting new faces for them to dismiss as utterly useless by mid-August.
Benitez said: "The squad clearly needs several additions and there are some great prospects out there. However, I do also have my eye on a 300-foot-high mountain of penny chews."
Despite successful signings such as Torres and Mascherano, Benitez was criticised in 2007 for paying £13m for a small lump of organic matter that, given 240 million years, may evolve into useful utility left-back.
This followed his 2006 signing of Roy Of The Rovers, who, despite his numerous accolades and undoubted skill, was obviously a fictional character and therefore ineligible to play in the Champion's League.
Sources suggest Benitez will spend the entire budget on Carlos Tevez and has already ordered a set of stout metal chains and a daily supply of steaming lumps of meat.
The Liverpool boss has told friends he can end Manchester United's dominance by spending an enormous amount of money on a player they have deemed surplus to requirements for quite some time.
But Benitez's plans may be thwarted by Manchester City, whose billionaire owners plan to buy every sentient creature on the planet in an audacious £74 billion swoop.
City boss Mark Hughes said: "Once I control all the legs there are, I do think we've got a realistic chance of a top six finish."
