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Why I'm running to be MP for Barnsley North. By Justin Timberlake

AWARD-winning pop sensation Justin Timberlake has been wowing crowds for decades. Here he explains why his next project is to represent the constituents of Barnsley North.

HEY everybody, it’s your boy JT. Here to tell you why I’m in the running to be member of parliament for your dull little South Yorkshire market town. Truth is, I need a reset. 

I’m back in the headlines, but not for being the squeaky clean ‘Prince of Pop’. Nope, I’m going full bad boy. I’ve got myself some edge and I’m running with it. And how better to cash in than standing as an independent candidate in the English election? Those muthaf**kers know a thing or two about being notorious.

Have I lived in Barnsley? No. Do I care about Barnsley? Also no. But I’ve won ten Grammys and shagged Britney and Cameron Diaz. They should give me keys to the goddam place based on those facts alone. 

I don’t have any policies yet, not that those matter, but you better believe I’m about to shake shit up in Stainforth, Royston and Cudworth in a way only I can. By which I mean cutting-edge music production, expert choreography and a firm grasp of the redrawn constituency boundaries for 2024.

They say politics is showbiz for ugly people. Well we’re about to find out what happens when one of the beautiful people gives it a try. And it’s gonna be lit.

I’ve practically got an unfair advantage thanks to the election falling on Independence Day, July 4th. My plan is to have a full tailgate party in the car park of Grimethorpe Asda. 

There’ll be some of that great Southern smoked BBQ, a reunion of ‘N Sync and a guest spot by Snoop Dogg. And if I’m short a few votes I’ll win over all the local mums by autographing ‘Trousersnake’ in sharpie on all of their tits. 

Westminster here I come! It’s gonna be me! Timberlake OUT.

A confused Millennial tries to… continue to enjoy Harry Potter

By Josh Gardner, who got sorted into Gryffindor on his twelfth try

Like every child who counts, I grew up loving Harry Potter. It got our generation into reading and spending hundreds of pounds at a walk-through studio tour in Leavesden. 

I cherish my memories of staying up late to flick through each book again and again, marvelling at their originality and quality of writing because I hadn’t read anything else at the time. It made me feel all brainy like Hermione, whose name I misread for four years.

Harry Potter was truly our own, apart from all the adults reading it. Unlike unimaginative adult tales about magical rings or dragon kingdoms, it was original. I pity what they had to make do with.

And the movies! Far from cynical cash-ins starring a non-actor, they were authentic adaptations of our beloved tales. They even split the last part in two and shot it in 3D to include every detail.

But oddly, when I picked up the series for my summer re-read, I found them… underwhelming. Was it because I’d become an adult, because I’d read them to death, or because JK Rowling is evil now?

Instead of gripping page-turners, they felt like the deranged word salad of a writer whose editor was drowning in dollars. As I found myself skipping whole chapters, I wondered if I was the problem.

Friends couldn’t help, denouncing me for supporting that ‘evil terf hack’ and encouraging me to read books for adults, like the Heartstopper series of graphic novels.

I struggled through the first few books, desperately searching for all those moments that had shaped my childhood. Then I hit the midpoint of Order of the Phoenix and knew I could go no further. No wonder we were all searching for reasons to hate her.

It’s a shame really, these were wholesome stories about an abused orphan being used as a pawn in a game of good vs evil. But I guess it’s time to put it behind me and grow up. If you need me, I’ll be adulting with the queer representation in Inside Out 2. 

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