WHEN you’re sharing your sexual fantasies with your lover, everything open, no judgement, you instinctively know: not that one.
There’s always at least one fetish that you’re only revealing to Google in an incognito window, even though it’s a normal part of being a fucked-up mess of a human being who shouldn’t be getting off to that but is anyway.
How high does your nasty little secret rank in the annals of sexual grossness?
Impact play
Spanking, flogging, whipping, paddling, thwacking your husband in the face with a live haddock; anything goes when it comes to impact play. Fifty Shades has made this kind of fetish boringly mainstream. Still difficult explaining the stripes on your arse when you’re in the pool for your five-year-old’s swimming lesson, though.
Feet
A bit of toe sucking, or indeed fucking, is vanilla in the grand scheme of fetishes. And it’s not a bad one to be on the receiving end of as you’ll get bought shoes and can put your feet up on your boyfriend’s dick while watching Homes Under The Hammer. Watch out for him in flip-flop season, however, the filthy beast.
Spectrophilia
Or banging ghosts, as it’s not more commonly known. If your girlfriend’s into this you may not give a shit. Who cares if she claims she’s getting teabagged by Thomas Cromwell? Perhaps ask her to invite a few hot phantasmal friends around for an ectoplasmic orgy? At least it’s not necrophilia: the undead are far more palatable fuckbuddies than the dead.
Agalmatophilia
A genuine fetish, which makes museum visits complicated and means you find your girlfriend alone in National Trust properties after sundown, down by the fountains, enjoying coitus with The Right Honorable Earl Howe, 1726-1799. Though anyone who’s seen Michaelangelo’s David will be aware that godlike men can be disappointing in the dick department.
Piss play
Who’s washing the sheets in households where this goes on? Who’s mopping the bathroom floor? Does the odour not linger? Then again, anyone with pets has likely coped with worse and didn’t get an orgasm out of it. Brave enough to admit this is your thing? Expect relationships to be curtailed early.
Insects
Yeah. They’re hot for someone. Next time your boyfriend offers to help get a spider out of the bathroom, watch his crotch for arousal. If he suggests inviting ants into the bedroom or pops a cockroach in his butt crack during foreplay, decide whether you’re up for this. And decide no.
Adult baby
This is a whole truckload of unpleasantness to bring to a relationship. Bad enough he’s doing the baby thing, but inevitably he’s filling his nappy and the rational response is ‘fuck that’. Even if he’s the actual Brad Pitt, sucking on a dummy and shitting his pants in a $40m Los Feliz house, fuck that.
No fetishes whatsoever
The most suspicious fetish of all is a complete absence of declared fetishes. If your partner claims they have no kinks to share, what are they hiding? It must be so repulsive and twisted that it cannot even be spoken of.
