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Can I speak to you about your internet provider? By Mike Tyson

HI. Sorry for calling you 17 times from an unknown number. It’s former heavyweight champion of the world ‘Iron’ Mike Tyson here. Can I speak to you about your internet provider?

Who you with? Giffgaff? Well those bitches have been talking shit about you all over town. You don’t believe me? So how come I know you’ve visited your ex-girlfriend’s Facebook page 63 times this month, have a recurring order for Muller rice puddings on your Asda delivery, and keep searching for ‘hairy MILFS’ on Pornhub?

That got your attention, didn’t it? I thought so. Listen. Those assholes have been singing like a canary about you. So it’s time to switch it up and join us.

Which provider am I working for? It’s none of your goddam business. I oughta march right over there to… yo, lemme check my computer… 32A Ashbrook Terrace, Chichester, and smack some sense into you. Our prices are competitive – but I don’t need to discuss them right now. 

You just leave the money in a brown envelope on your doorstep at the end of each month. If you fall behind on the payments, we’ll send Lennox Lewis round to collect. Yeah, he’s working with us too. And you won’t like him when he’s pissed off.

Speed-wise, our wifi is quicker than my savage left hooks against Frank Bruno in ’96. But to be more specific, I can offer you 500 megabits per second. Although I like to call them megaBITES – ‘cos of what I did to Evander Holyfield, ya feel me? Oh, you only know me from the Hangover films? I pity you, my friend.

You better believe you won’t have drop-outs. You’ll be able to browse the internet, run applications on your phone AND still stream my Netflix fight against that punk Jake Paul all at the same time. If you experience an outage, one of our local engineers like Riddick Bowe, Nigel Benn or Chris Eubank will grab their tool kit and get you online again. Is this an internet provider staffed exclusively by boxers from the 1990s? Sorry, I’m not allowed to answer that.

The final thing to mention is our customer service is second to none. Not only can you page me directly 24/7, but if you have any issues with neighbours, work colleagues or relationships, we’ll put you through to our trash talking service. They’ll call that person up and spit out a barrage of threats: ‘Your ass is mine’, ‘I’m gonna knock you out in the seventh round’, ‘I’m gonna paint the walls of the MGM Grand with your blood’, shit like that. No extra charge.

So I assume I’m signing you up to our lifetime contract? I thought so. Well, congratulations, bitch – you just joined the baddest internet provider on the planet, TKO Broadband. Prince Naseem will be around to hook up your router within ten working days. Another happy and terrified customer. Enjoy, asshole.

Teen worried that ear piercing makes him look a bit straight

A TEENAGER is anxious that his ear piercing gives the impression he is attracted to the opposite sex.

Fourteen-year-old Jack Browne is starting to regret getting his left ear pierced in case it subtly suggests he has an unprogressive urge to snog girls and has no interest in kissing boys.

Browne said: “F**k’s sake. I asked the campest guy in class if the left ear was the straight one or not and took his catty advice. Maybe he was pranking me.

“I could’ve sworn the left ear is the one to get pierced if you want to come across as uninhibited by homophobic social constructs, whereas only insecure footballers sport a stud on the right. Clearly I’ve got them mixed up.

“When I walk down the corridor at school all the girls recoil like I’m some predatory creep. Meanwhile the boys mockingly chant ‘straight boy’ at me and keep saying they bet I’d love to get off with Sydney Sweeney. It really hurts to be subjected to that sort of abuse.

“I’ll have to get caught snogging year 10 hunk Ryan Whittaker behind the bikesheds to prove the piercing doesn’t mean anything. But even then people will probably say it’s just a phase.”

School bully Wayne Hayes said: “I can’t wait to beat up Jack tomorrow lunchtime. That’ll teach him to be paranoid about outdated gender stereotypes from the 1980s.”

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