Politics

MICHAEL Gove here. I have to admit we rushed out ‘levelling up’ without actually deciding what it was. Here’s your chance to fill in the details and win a prize that’s no doubt thrilling for Northern oiks.

I, BORIS Johnson, have vowed before the Commons and the nation to implement solutions to Sue Gray’s findings. Here they are as I understand them.

THE UK is about to learn that Boris Johnson handles full-scale war as badly as he does Brexit, pandemics and the economy.

YOU can say what you want in Parliament and they can’t touch you for it, as Boris Johnson proved when calling Labour’s front bench drug addicts.

THE f**king fools who voted for Johnson are being treated exactly like the fools he took them for, it has emerged.

SUE Gray’s 300 photos of Downing Street parties take the viewer on quite a journey. Let her be your guide.

IT’S easy to assume people have some basic grasp of political events. Let low-information moron voter Lauren Hewitt disabuse you.

I STAND before you today in the House of Commons to confirm, once and for all, that I have got away with it.

THE government has confirmed that the Sue Gray report cannot be released until the novelisation of the movie of the adaptation of the stage musical is complete.

SUE Gray’s report on Downing Street parties might have to avoid reporting on Downing Street parties. But it can still talk about these things.