Politics

HI, Priti here. Don’t reply, that would be far too noisy and you’ll be detained.

YES, I have just spaffed £37 billion on a useless track and trace system and Dido Harding’s grasping, clueless army. But sod you, taxpayers. Be grateful I didn’t spend it on these projects...

THE British monarchy is in crisis after attention was once again drawn to the absolute pointlessness of its very existence.

SADLY – tragically – the political career of Nigel Farage is over. I have given this country everything, and can give no more.

A THIRD of a million pounds has been paid out by government to protect me, home secretary Priti Patel. I’m worth 10 times that. Let me explain why. 

THE BBC has been urged to be more discreet about its ongoing infatuation with chancellor Rishi Sunak.

WANT to spruce up the drab shoebox you sleep and shit in, but low on funds? Let prime ministerial consort Carrie Symonds explains how:

ARE you concerned about how today’s budget will affect you, but also worried that makes you a petty, penny-pinching bellend?

HI, BOY billionaire Rishi Sunak here, ready to accept praise for borrowing tens of billions with no clear plan to pay it back. But don’t you dare do the same.

THE Labour Party has been running every policy past three angry Boris Johnson supporters who would normally be in Wetherspoons, it has revealed.