Politics

THE UK has agreed that the long, slow demise of Boris Johnson should be as long, as slow and as enjoyable as possible.

THE scandal over the wildly gropey deputy chief whip continues along entirely predictable lines today. Here’s how they all unfold.

THE prime minister has confirmed that he disregarded reports that Chris Pincher was a sex molester because he was at no point a victim himself.

STRUGGLING to block out the mental image of Carrie Johnson doing… you know? Follow this advice.

THE government is facing more embarrassing sex allegations after an advisor claimed he saw Gavin Williamson performing a sex act on a venomous spider.

PARLIAMENT has agreed they would not have silenced anti-Brexit campaigner Steve Bray if he had mixed it up occasionally with a dubstep set.

SCOTLAND is once again acting like living next door to England under English rule is not an entirely positive experience.

THE UK has announced and outlined in full its plan to break international law, as all successful criminals routinely do before committing crimes.

IF your bin goes uncollected or your train is cancelled, Britain demands those responsible are shot as communists. If these non-key workers withdraw labour, nobody gives a shit.

BORIS Johnson is planning a third term in office, unaware that he’s f**ked. But a competent evil genius would be a better leader than any of the actual options.