DOOMMONGERS will say £5,300 energy bills could drive millions into poverty. Let me, Liz Truss, explain why they are not a bad thing.
They’ll help you budget
The cost of living crisis is putting pressure on everyone’s purse strings. But with a whopping great energy bill to fork out for on a regular basis you’ll have a fresh incentive to budget accordingly. Try cutting back on luxuries like food and shelter to save some extra pennies that won’t touch the sides of the amount you owe.
They’re good for the environment
An energy bill of £5,300 will discourage you from watching the telly, switching on the kettle or taking a shower more than once a month. This will drastically lower your carbon footprint to a level even Greta Thunberg would be proud of. Of course this will be offset by the coal mines that will be reopened to prevent blackouts, but never mind. I’ll still claim it as a win for me.
Taxing energy companies is evil
As I’ve recently made clear, profits are not evil. So what if a business reaps a massive bonus while its customers will shiver to death this winter? That’s the free market and you all voted for the party which supports it so you can’t complain. Raising the taxes energy companies have to pay definitely is immoral, though. Plus it would make our next donor party a bit awkward.
They’ll take care of the surplus population
As people on the White Cliffs of Dover scream to migrants trying to cross the Channel: Britain’s full. Driving people into fuel poverty will free up some space by thinning out the surplus population, which has been a key Tory policy ever since we swept into power. Remember austerity and our ineffectual pandemic response?
Levelling up
Look, I know these skyrocketing energy bills are unsustainable, but I’m in an election race so I can’t afford to lose face. That’s why I’ll use the catch-all bullshit terms Johnson used to ascend to power. The number on your statement has been levelled up to a much bigger one, which is a good thing because economic growth Brexit woke mob sunlit uplands.
