MANY Tory grassroots members wish lazy, incompetent liar Boris Johnson could continue as PM. Do you share their inexplicable nostalgia? Take our test and find out if you are very stupid.
What do you think of Boris Johnson as a person?
A) All the evidence suggests he’s an egotist who uses other people, and has very little respect for women.
B) He’s a lovely, dependable family man with a pretty young wife. He was going to build a treehouse for Wilf, and not many dads can say they’ve done that. Admittedly someone else would have paid for it and done the work, but he’s very busy.
Do you feel Johnson is preferable to Liz Truss or Rishi Sunak?
A) No way. They’re all bad, but at least Sunak seems vaguely sane.
B) That pair aren’t fit to lick Boris’s shoes. She’s like a brainless rag doll come to life and he’s too smooth for his own good. And Asian. Yes, Boris is the sort of fiercely intellectual but extremely down-to-earth PM we need.
How do you feel Johnson performed during the pandemic?
A) Poorly. The vaccines would have been rolled out anyway, he was reckless about lockdown, and didn’t attend meetings.
B) Boris singlehandedly invented the vaccine – he was there in a laboratory with a lab coat, I saw it – and he showed the snowflakes who’s boss by ending lockdown early. He’s a national hero, like Geoff Hurst or Bomber Harris.
Which of his policies appeal most?
A) He hasn’t got policies. Just dressing up and doing whatever short-term thing is popular, and he spent months not governing at all and just doing damage limitation over Partygate.
B) Of course he’s got highly-detailed policies, like ‘Get Brexit Done’. Or as I interpret it, ‘Kick out the bloody Poles then we can get started on the blacks, Muslims and Jews’. Best policy ever.
Do you find Boris attractive?
A) Good god no. He’s an overweight oaf with a repulsive, arrogant manner.
B) Yes, definitely. He’s clearly in peak physical condition with all that jogging he does, and he’s got that wonderful thick head of blond hair. It’s all mussed-up in a rebellious, roguish way. He’s like a cross between James Dean and Han Solo. Why are you being sick?
Mostly As. You have got the measure of Boris Johnson. Sadly your opinion made not a jot of difference when all the dense Brexit twats voted en masse.
Mostly Bs. You are f**king insane. It’s hard to believe there are human beings so out of touch with reality, but that’s the Tory grassroots for you. You probably think we should send the task force to recapture India and could do with more politicians like Nadine Dorries.
