Politics

CONSERVATIVE candidates in council elections have reassured voters that Boris Johnson being prime minister was just a terrible nightmare.

A PLUCKY pensioner has endured appalling weather and a lengthy bus journey to use her hard-won vote to deport anyone who is not white.

REMEMBER that bloke who became Tory leader in 2019? He was great. I’d vote for him, and millions of you did. Would I vote for what I’ve become? Not likely.

WANT to hold arseholes to account? No-nonsense Good Morning Britain presenter Susanna Reid shows you how.

DRIVING to Barnard Castle has been overtaken by looking up tractors and being ambushed by porn as the worst excuse you have ever heard.

THAT Keir Starmer? And that Angela Rayner? At it like knives. Well they must be, it’s the only explanation that makes any sense. Let me walk you through it:

ARE you a Tory MP who loves porn so much you watch it in the House of Commons? You’ll enjoy these particular genres…

HARDWORKING, decent men like Boris Johnson are easy prey for any woman with a vagina, as Angela Rayner’s slutty behaviour has proved. A word of sisterly advice, Ang, you’re no Sharon Stone, Michael Douglas more like it.

BORIS Johnson and Rishi Sunak’s plunging popularity could be the result of the media not endlessly sucking their dicks, experts have agreed.

THIS government has lurched from crisis to crisis, all because they were distracted by red-headed Labour deputy leader Angela Rayner crossing her legs.