Politics

ARE you a Tory MP trying to work out whether Boris Johnson is f**ked enough for you to hand in a letter of no confidence? Here’s how to decide.

GOOD morning. When I am elected prime minister, it is my pledge to you that I will commit the following crimes:

GRATEFUL Britons are relieved that the cost of living crisis is now over thanks to Rishi Sunak’s incredibly generous one-off payment of £400.

DESPITE apparently not existing, the magic money tree is set to cut UK energy bills by hundreds of pounds, it has emerged.

THE exact same people facilitating Boris Johnson’s escape from any kind of consequence are marvelling that he has escaped without consequences.

DURING the periods of national lockdown, when pubs and nightclubs were closed, it is impossible not to conclude that Downing Street was party f**king central for the UK.

HAVE you been called upon, in your professional life, to defend the indefensible actions of a total twat? Tory MP Julian Cook explains how.

WOMEN and black people have been left dumbfounded after learning the Metropolitan police are unable to arrest the right people.

AN idiot would look at ITV’s photos and leap to the conclusion that a large group of people drinking alcohol constitutes a party. That would be foolish and wrong.

THE public have been reminded by the Conservatives that they are not the least interested in Partygate and want the government to get on with the job.