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The crimes I will commit when I am prime minister, by Sir Keir Starmer

GOOD morning. When I am elected prime minister, it is my pledge to you that I will commit the following crimes:

Embezzlement – I intend to begin where our current leader will undoubtedly leave off and embezzle public funds for my own personal enrichment. I promise I will not relax my efforts until at least £45 million sits in my account.

Speeding – As lockdown fines are unavailable but are the equivalent of a speeding fine, according to the Daily Mail, I shall rack up many of these. Look for me on the M1, M6, M4, M62 and M8. The whole country will benefit.

Public drunkenness – Effective immediately, I give my undertaking to engage with the real Britain by getting hammered four nights a week. My blackouts will be legendary and my altercations with the police epic. I will become accustomed to awaking in cells.

Public urination – If Beergate is to be considered genuine, then why not Weegate? It is my promise to you that I will be arrested while relieving myself in a fountain within the Greater London area.

Murder – As the prime minister is now expected to commit crimes, you have my word that I will stand before the Commons with blood on my hands and say ‘At the time the knife went in, I was unaware that it would constitute a killing. I humbly apologise for that.’ The victim will be chosen by lottery.

Perjury – The politician’s classic, and easily achieved by lying during any of my trials for any of the above. I will be proud to be ranked with Jonathan Aitken and Jeffrey Archer.

Murder, treason, espionage, arson in the Royal dockyards and piracy with violence – If I lose popularity after the electorate judges my crimes ‘not as sincere’ as Johnson’s, and ‘only to get votes’, I will commit the big five former capital crimes in a single spree. And still lose to the Tories at the next election because you people are idiots.

£40 Waitrose gin and other Jubilee products that are taking the f**king piss

QUEENIE’S big celebration to mark 70 years on the throne throws up all sorts of opportunities to rip off people with more money than sense. Try these horribly overpriced items.

Buckingham Palace gin, Waitrose, £40. Flavoured with botanicals from Her Majesty’s own gardens. Like that makes it taste any better than the stuff for a tenner in Aldi. You’re only going to drown it in tonic water anyway. Neck it neat and you’ll be sobbing embarrassingly as you blurt out: ‘I BLOODY LOVE our Queen! BLOODY LOVE HER!’ Much like the average gammon. 

Queen Elizabeth Platinum Jubilee portrait plate, Amazon, £10.99. Everyone needs a plate costing 11 quid which they can’t even f**king eat off. Sold with a tacky stand, this keepsake fits seamlessly into your home absolutely nowhere. If this appeals, you might be a pensioner called Elsie who likes Nigel Farage and National Service. 

The Jubilee Tea Gift Box, Fortnum and Mason, £50. Fifty quid for a box of tea and a teacup just screams: ‘We saw you coming, mugsy.’ It’s loose leaf tea too, so they haven’t even bothered to put it into teabags. The easy-to-break bone china cup has pictures of her favourite things, like racing pigeons and horses, ensuring it’s as tasteless as the box of dried leaves it accompanies.

Street party cupcakes, Rachael’s Kitchen, £24 for six. At that price it’s safe to say these are extremely delicious. However they’re not quite what you need for an actual Jubilee street party where half the guests are going to be shitfaced on Stella and Lambrini by 3pm and would guzzle down a raw potato tarted up with red, white and blue Dulux.

Platinum Jubilee portrait ornamental teaspoon, Amazon, £8.99. You’ve got your plate you can’t eat off and a mug too delicate to drink out of it, so why not complete your collection of car boot sale castoffs with a teaspoon you’re not allowed to stir your tea with? There’s a particularly unflattering picture of the Queen on the handle, but it’s your own fault for being a ghoulish bastard who’s hoping it’ll be worth something when she’s dead. 

Platinum Jubilee medium ziptop multiway bag, Radley of London, £289. What the actual f**king f**k? It’s basically a Bag for Life (20p in the supermarket) with a very expensive zip and a couple of pockets. There’s a dreadful picture of ‘Radley dog’ looking like he’s about to piss up the leg of a Coldstream Guard and a Union Jack handle design. It’s good-quality leather, but that doesn’t help if you can’t use it without looking like a mad Brexiter.

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