Politics

YESTERDAY I saw a man of unimpeachable morals exonerated before a corrupt, petty court of liars. If you prefer that to actual reality, follow these tips.

PEOPLE often remark on my superb grasp of facts and skill in pursuing an argument. Which is why I must refute your claim that I was clearly humping someone else in our bed.

BORIS Johnson is to be wheeled in front of the select committee in a straitjacket on a gurney for the public's safety.

THE Metropolitan Police are ignoring the report calling them racist, misogynistic and homophobic because it was written by some daft f**king bird.

WE all need a laugh every now and again, like the guffaw I let out when seeing a Rwandan detention centre. These are my other go-to giggles.

THE government has put nurses, the NHS and the public through three months of entirely unnecessary inconvenience, it has confirmed.

JEREMY Hunt’s offer of free childcare is actually a ploy to shag every sexy mum in the UK, it has emerged.

TODAY is Jeremy Hunt’s first budget – but how will it affect ordinary families with children and mortgages, not bizarre childless singleton aberrations?

THE Conservative party and their client media are expected to take their absolute defeat by Gary Lineker on the chin and not bear any grudges.

THE sins of mankind, and in particular Tory voters, condemned the people. But one man was sent to suffer for their sins. I am Gary Lineker, your centrist Christ.