Politics

PARKING apps! Those silver canisters you see in gutters. Noisy hen parties! Here are the 16 minor annoyances which must add up to a Conservative landslide.

BRITAIN’S most unpleasant voters love a bit of racism. As such it’s an electoral strategy I can really get behind, and so should you, because it’s all we’ve got.

THE UK has confirmed that not a single thing in the entire world has any connection to Brexit.

‘APRIL Fool!’ the Tories have announced, ‘The last 13 years were just a big prank! We’re starting governing seriously from now on!’

THE unthinkable has happened. Your former leader is on trial for breaking the law. This is what will happen next, according to a country that has been there and done that.

HOUSING migrants in ferries suggests the dead ends of the Conservative mind are being ransacked to boost their support. Which always ends in these bizarre obsessions.

SCOTS are celebrating a triumph for liberal values as a big fan of Leviticus chapter 18 only came in second the leadership race.

BRITAIN’S pensioners have agreed that nitrous oxide is worse than any other drug because it creates litter.

NINE years in power. And what have I got to show for it? Absolutely f**king f**k all.

CONFUSED as to why multi-millionaire Rishi Sunak pays proportionately less tax than you? Here the prime minister explains why this actually makes total sense.