Politics

TRISTRAM Hunt will not stand in the Labour leadership contest after finding out he was actually a Conservative all along.

UNION leader Len McCluskey is really George De Montford, the 12th Marquis of Shaftesbury, it has emerged.

CHUKA Umunna has pulled out of Labour’s leadership contest in horror at the press’s unprecedented willingness to be unpleasant about him.

MEMBERSHIP has surged for a new party for left-wingers who want to help the ordinary people they absolutely despise.

SENIOR Labour politicians have called on the party to reconnect with its core supporters, people who have nice big houses.

UKIP may try to keep Nigel Farage as leader because its strongest candidate is a humanoid known only as ‘Beast’.

GRANT Shapps has announced plans to join a rap group that actively encourages the use of multiple pseudonyms.

DAVID Cameron’s cabinet ministers have proved themselves unable to smile and wave like functioning humans.

THE remaining Liberal Democrat MPs are to tour the country in a people carrier re-engaging voters via a hard-hitting puppet show.

ED Miliband’s pledge tablet has been made available to anyone wanting to try their hand at obscene graffiti.