Politics

BORIS Johnson looks like the prime minister Britain will have when it is a shattered wasteland of vagrants fleeing war, commentators believe.

A MAN who missed the deadline to register for the EU referendum last night is secretly relieved that it is no longer his problem.

DANGEROUSLY unhinged Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has paranoid fantasies that the media is against him, a documentary about the knobhead will show.

BRITONS will do whatever a Wetherspoon beer mat tells them to do, it has emerged.

BORIS Johnson has baffled scientists by cycling every day but never looking any different.

THE prime minister has admitted he is not looking forward to his next performance review after missing his migrant target by a quarter of a million.

A MAN who has never left his home town of Huddersfield is desperate for Britain to leave the EU, it has emerged.

THE prime minister’s wife responded to his gift of a used Nissan Micra by going mental at him, it has emerged.

A WOMAN cannot decide which way to vote in the EU referendum because she fancies Jude Law but loathes Keira Knightley.

STRIKING is the absolute best way to get any improvement to pay and working conditions, the health secretary has conceded.