Politics

MODERATE Labour MPs wielding knives are asking if Labour’s results are bad enough to slaughter Jeremy Corbyn.

TORY London mayoral candidate Zac Goldsmith has locked himself in a toilet with a book of Latin poetry and some truffles.

VOTERS are heading to polling stations to decide if the nation will stay in the EU, before discovering that one is next month.

RESCUING child refugees is the sort of sentimental nonsense that belongs in films, senior Tories have confirmed.

BORIS Johnson has escalated his war on Barack Obama by claiming the US President stole his bike.

IT IS time for changeling Michael Gove to return to his own kind, according to malevolent woodland sprites.

POLITICIANS treat voters like children because they act like children, experts have confirmed.

LEAVING the EU will prevent Britons from ever having sex again, George Osborne has warned.

TORY MPs say that dating a woman who is not a dominatrix is virtually impossible.

NICK Clegg has made public his Sainsbury's Nectar account in a bid for transparency over his finances.