WOULD you love to see Sabrina Carpenter live? Simply answer these questions about the Spring Statement and pop’s sultry princess and win free tickets – just like Rachel Reeves!
What is Sabrina’s best song?
A) Espresso
B) Please Please Please
C) Whatever she’s singing while kneeling provocatively on a bed in stockings and suspenders with doggy-style overtones
How will the media report the Spring Statement in a painfully clichéd way?
A) With a graphic of a pint, a stack of pound coins and a man filling his petrol tank
B) Unrepresentative case studies of winners and losers
C) Misleading claims that inheritance tax will impoverish everyone in Britain, illustrated with a photo of whinging posh bastards whose house resembles the Tsar’s Winter Palace
What was your reaction to Sabrina splitting up with Barry Keoghan?
A) Total, crushing indifference
B) If the cheating allegations are true you hope it wasn’t too upsetting for Sabrina, and you’ve said so on MailOnline and her Instagram
C) Delight, because if she’s into shagging freakish rat boys you’re definitely in with a chance
Why did Rachel Reeves leave HBOS?
A) To pursue a parliamentary career
B) She was just too good at economics so all the other economists bullied her
C) Definitely not because she was investigated for excessive expense claims, and accepting expensive concert and theatre tickets as an MP only looks bad because of the optics of cutting winter fuel payments and disability benefits
Did Sabrina’s Brit Awards performance set a bad example?
A) Yes, she presented herself as little more than a sexual fantasy
B) No, it was kitsch and over-the-top and the gays loved it
C) Have you seen the Brits anytime in the last 30 years? It’s all young women cavorting like painted whores for the delectation of middle-aged label executives
Which of these claims does NOT appear on Rachel Reeves’ LinkedIn page?
A) Rachel beat both Anatoly Karpov and Garry Kasparov to win the 1985 Chess Championship
B) Rachel invented the Harrier jump jet
C) Rachel will certainly not be unceremoniously forced to resign when the economy continues to stagnate due to her own incompetence, much to the delight of her careerist bastard Labour colleagues
Complete the following tie-breaker in less than 25 words: ‘This is not austerity because…’
