Starmer accepts gift of extra daylight hour

THE prime minister is once again facing criticism by accepting the gift of an extra hour of daylight to spend however he pleases. 

Starmer has courted controversy by taking the proffered hour which he claims came with no strings attached but which opponents say is an obvious bribe.

Conservative MP Oliver Dowden said: “Yet another example of Sir Freebie Starmer’s obscene accumulation of gratuities. The man can’t keep his snout out of the trough.

“It’s not just him. The whole Cabinet have received a cash-in-hand hour which could, according to top lawyers, be worth up to £1,800 an hour without a single mention in the Register of Members’ Interests.

“Who else has got it? Train drivers, nurses, teachers: that’s right, his union paymasters. All living high on the hog with this free hour, laughing at Joe Public.

“Who’s losing out? You guessed it: pensioners, who won’t receive any corresponding rise in their income. Small business owners, forced to compensate their employees. Landlords left out of pocket on rent. Labour are sending this country careering into ruin.”

A Labour spokesman said: “The prime minister did not ask for this hour and, while in hindsight he could have considered the optics, Arsenal are at home tomorrow and he fancied the extra lie-in.”

We ask you: can landlords honestly be said to work as people?

Labour have been criticised for saying landlords cannot be viewed to be working as human beings. What do you think? 

Lucy Parry, student: “If landlords worked they’d be able to fix the f**king great hole in your bathroom roof in less than four months. QED.”

Margaret Gerving, retired: “I actually am a landlord, and we’re just normal folk. Yes, our skeletons are tungsten, our blood acid and our undead flesh only animated by dark rituals, but we watch Ludwig just like anyone else.”

Tom Booker, undertaker: “Landlords are people, it’s tenants who aren’t. They’re pets.”

Thomas Logan, glazier: “Being a landlord isn’t easy. When they’re not collecting rent they have to rub their hands together, backs hunched, cackling in a sinister way, firelight projecting their shadow large upon the wall.”

Jo Kramer, whittler: “I can’t wait until all landlords are replaced by faceless corporations only contactable via 45-minute automated phone menus. That seems the ideal situation to me.”