THEY were pleasant enough to your face this weekend, but do they mean it? Or did they start doing mocking impressions of you the moment the door closed? Find out:
How did they greet you?
A) Hugs and kisses, delight, enquiries about what’s going on in my life where they’ve remembered everything I told them last time, couldn’t be more pleased to see me
B) A polite handshake because they’re reserved like that, and then often they’ll leave me alone in a room which is fine, if I wanted a cup of tea I could ask for one
Did they cook you a meal?
A) We tell them not to go overboard but they do every single time, a table groaning with roast lamb, all the trimmings, and homemade roulade to finish
B) Yes, well they put pizzas in, and garlic bread. They do cook but only when my wife visits without me there. I presume they worry I’ll be too judgemental
Did they get you an Easter egg?
A) There was a whole egg hunt set up for us, running around encouraged by them to find all these clever hiding places. ‘Should have known you’d end up with more than anyone,’ my father-in-law quipped admiringly
B) Yes, and it doesn’t matter that it’s Aldi because they do really excellent eggs. Moser-Roth is actually a leading continental confectionary brand
How was conversation?
A) Flowed beautifully. ‘I forget how you get after a few glasses of wine,’ laughed my mother-in-law as I animatedly told her about my work colleagues
B) They’re not very chatty, not even with their own flesh-and-blood, and everything I say is followed by a long silence as if they’re taking it in. Good listening is an art
Who paid for your wedding?
A) They did. Insisted on going the whole hog, big reception, live band, the lot. ‘Such a shame it had to be him,’ I thought I heard them say on the day, but actually they’d said ‘that we’ll never do it again’ and I’d misheard
B) We did. Said it would teach us a useful lesson about taking responsibility. Anyway, they’d already paid for her sister’s wedding the year before, which was massive and cost loads
Do they visit you much?
A) No, they like to give us our own space, though they’re always straight over to help when I’m away on business trips. And they make sure I leave before I get back so as not to crowd me
B) Not much. There always seems to be a reason why they can’t make it, whether it’s ‘we’re worried the dog might be ill’ or ‘we’re expecting a parcel that day unfortunately’
ANSWERS
Mostly As: Your in-laws put up a good pretence but clearly hate you, your face, your boring diatribes about the office and your selfish, greedy ways. But they’ll never admit it, so who cares?
Mostly Bs: Your in-laws barely even bother to hide how much they hate you, treating you as a weapons-grade dickhead they will resent until their dying day. Luckily the feeling is decidedly mutual and suits everyone.
