LABOUR was today told to just get on with it so we can all have a peaceful weekend without having to watch Nick Robinson jumping up and down like a child that's bursting for a piss.
As someone called James Purnell resigned, millions of people across the country urged Labour to hack off Gordon Brown's fingers with a meat cleaver, warning they were now getting dangerously close to feeling sorry for him.
Tom Logan, from Doncaster, said: "If I start to talk about how his droopy eyes and creepy smile are actually quite endearing then you must promise you will kill me. Promise it!"
Mr Purnell said he hoped his resignation would give a lead to others, while serving its primary purpose of seeing his name in big, bold letters on the front of the Financial Times.
Margaret Gerving, from Bristol, said: "Purnell… Isn't he the chap with the sideburns who invented the Clifton Suspension Bridge and that big boat with all the funnels?"
As the prime minister clung on to power a procession of cabinet ministers attacked Mr Purnell and pledged their loyalty to Mr Brown until, oh, about half-twelve probably.
Foreign secretary David Miliband said: "I profoundly disagree with James and think he should at least have had the courage to wait until the local election results were in before calling for me to be made prime minister."
Meanwhile Britain's bookmakers have revealed multi-million pound losses after betting against someone in the cabinet having a pair of nuts.
