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Little girls everywhere inspired by cutting draught duty by 1.7 per cent

YOUNG girls up and down the country have been inspired by first female chancellor Rachel Reeves slashing the price of a pint by 1p.

Following the glass ceiling-shattering example set by the chancellor, little girls now feel empowered to grow up, work hard, and reduce the price of certain alcoholic drinks in pubs by an entire penny.

Eight-year-old Lauren Hewitt said: “I knew Rachel Reeves was going to shake things up as a woman, but I didn’t expect an economic earthquake of this magnitude. 1.7 per cent? Wow. 

“I’ve decided to chuck in my childish aspirations of being a World Cup-winning footballer for England or the next Doctor Who and follow in her footsteps instead. 

“Maybe by the time I’m grown up I can slash draught duty by a whole 2 per cent? You’ve got to dream big.”

Lucy Parry, throwing her doll house into a fire, said: “I was roaring with the rest of the Commons when she made the announcement. Not just because it was another bloody nose delivered to the patriarchy, but because I might be able to get a pint for less than a fiver when I’m older.

“Reeves makes other inspirational women like Emmeline Pankhurst and Mary Wollstonecraft look like rank amateurs. None of them won my dad over to feminism with one single economic policy.”

We ask you: Do you have no f**king clue if you're better off after the budget?

RACHEL Reeves has delivered a tax-raising budget with notable concessions. But are you still confused as to whether you’ll have more cash for alcohol and trainers and whatnot?

Charlotte Phelps, parent: “We’ll be hit hard by VAT on our children’s minor public school fees, but the entitled little shits are unbearable, so boarding school is still cheap at the price.”

Jo Kramer, marketing executive: “Obviously it was piss-easy to calculate whether higher National Insurance will affect my pay rise and cancel out not paying more for petrol and fractionally cheaper alcohol. I am precisely 4.56173p better off. Yay.

Tom Logan, teacher: “I like beer being 1p cheaper. But due to having basic numerical skills I’m not that excited about saving 16p a week. Although if I start drinking 20,000 pints that’s a big saving.”

Roy Hobbs, retired welder: “As a gammon I’m sickened to the core that there’ll only be a modest increase in funding for Remembrance Day events. I think we need a more sensible sum, like £300 billion.” 

Josh Hudson, school pupil: “Higher tax on vaping is the moment I’ve been dreading for months. If I can’t afford to look incredibly cool huffing on Mango Fruitburst, how am I ever going to finger Jessica Lewis?”

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