RACHEL Reeves will take the edge off the Budget by delivering it with edgy quips in the style of an American awards show host.
Realising her dry material about National Insurance contributions and inheritance tax is unlikely to go down well, the chancellor will sprinkle gags into her speech, warning it is “not for the easily-offended”.
Reeves said: “My Budget set will have them pissing themselves. I’m going to kick off with a zinger about how I promised not to raise taxes – but here I am doing just that!
“Then there’ll be a classic bait-and-switch about fuel duty, some near-the-knuckle gags about Keir’s freebies, and a callback involving the £3 bus fare cap. Those jokes just write themselves.
“Don’t worry, it won’t all be highbrow humour. I’ll open with some clowning where I fumble the red briefcase and drop my papers everywhere. That should keep any Michael McIntyre fans in the audience happy.
“I’ll lay into the easy target of capital gains tax to get the crowd on-side, and wrap it up with some crowd work with journalists I can dump on social media. I’ll probably go too far roasting Robert Peston but he’ll laugh sycophantically anyway.”
Nervously shuffling her cue cards, Reeves added: “Do I keep all the edgy punching-down jokes about winter fuel payments and dying grandparents though? I don’t want people actually walking out.
“Also, is this gag about Paul Mescal ‘filling my budget hole’ too blue?”
