TODAY is Jeremy Hunt’s first budget – but how will it affect ordinary families with children and mortgages, not bizarre childless singleton aberrations?
ENERGY: Hardworking families will get extra help with their energy needs, like washing football kit and gathering around the kitchen table to play Monopoly. Regrettably, these subsidies are unavoidably extended to peculiar losers who have found nobody to love them.
FREE CHILDCARE: Young families feeling the pinch are given 30 hours of free childcare a week for children under three, and boy, do they need it! Those who have selfishly transgressed against societal norms by not having children get nothing and have to pay for the childcare of others.
ALCOHOL DUTY: 45p on a bottle of wine won’t really bother couples who enjoy one sensible glass in front of Dragon’s Den. It’s going to hit lonely scum like you in fancy jobs in the arts who drink heavily to drown their sorrows at how their lives have worked out miserable. Good.
FUEL DUTY: A freeze on fuel duty will be a real boost to families with two children who love to drive out to a National Trust property at the weekend for a wholesome picnic. You probably haven’t even got a car and use public transport with your precious little earbuds in, clinging to a podcast for company. You’re pathetic and you make us sick.
PENSIONS: The lifetime pension allowance goes up, so silver-haired but active couples can enjoy comfortable retirements, playing with their grandchildren in their large gardens and owning a labrador. You probably have cats, don’t you? And of course you haven’t got a pension. You’re too obsessed with Balenciaga trainers, city breaks, and paying rent.
SWIMMING POOLS: A new £63-million fund will help swimming pools stay open, so dads can horse around with their boys having the time of their lives. Don’t bring them down with your joyless lane swimming. Join a gym like all the other loners with nothing to fill their evenings. Stop offending us with your existence.
