Budget Live!

ALISTAIR Darling has been described as 'the worst chancellor since the invention of numbers'. The pressure is on, but can he pull a rabbit out of his battered red hat? If so, will he then lose the rabbit? Or will the rabbit be appointed to the board of Northern Rock? And is this so-called rabbit domiciled in this country or not? Ladies and gentleman, all the way from Downing Street in London's fashionable West End, we give you THE BUDGET!

1230: Chancellor stands up

1231: Chancellor shits himself

1232: British economy like an injured greyhound, says Darling

1233: Curious expression plays across prime minister's face

1234: "Britain better than foreigners"

1240: JAM TAX! As expected chancellor drops jam bombshell. Sell jam now.

1241: "Jam companies have a responsibility to society"

1244: "18, 76,000, 14.6, a billion and twelve, 90," says chancellor

1248: Gordon Brown pushes chancellor out of the way and tells him he's 'doing it all wrong'.

1251: "Pruuuuuuudence! Pruuuuuuuudence!" shouts prime minister

1252: After short tussle, chancellor regains control of dispatch box

1254: Pledge to abolish poor children. 'They're so horrid' says chancellor

1257: "UK remains one of the best places in the world to do the business"

1259: Women told to stop being so lazy and get a job

1302: Free bricks to help young people onto housing ladder

1304: £10m million for plastic scissors

1306: Glasgow-London journey time reduced to 'less than two weeks'

1307: Caroline Flint bends over to pick up a pen

1309: Caroline Flint is now sucking on the pen. Go on.

1311: Tax on showrooms!

1318: Cars to be taxed based on size of boot

1320: Cigarettes to be sold from box full of cobras

1321: FUCKING HELL! 55p on a bottle of Scotch! What a prick!

1323: And he's giving it to the fucking pensioners!

1324: Chancellor sits down

1325: Chancellor shits himself. Again.

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Budget Boost For Headless Horsemen

CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling is today expected to throw a budget lifeline to Britain's hard-pressed headless horsemen.

Mr Darling will unveil a series of measures to help people on incapacity benefit back into work, coupled with tax breaks for environmentally friendly transport.

He wants to use the tax and benefits system to tackle the growing problem of anti-social behaviour among thousands of under-employed headless maniacs.

A Treasury source said: "We're not suggesting they're claiming incapacity benefit illegally. They are headless, after all.

"And while they may be rampaging through the countryside, decapitating respected members of the community, at least they're doing it on a horse."

He added: "We have an opportunity to not only achieve staged reductions in rural beheadings, but offer rewards and incentives for low carbon mobility."

Meanwhile City analysts are divided over how Mr Darling's first budget will go. Tom Logan, head of markets at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "I think he'll make a complete and total arse of it."

But Wayne Hayes, chief economist at Madeley-Finnigan, said: "I think he'll do really well actually…. No, I'm just kidding. He'll be fucking awful."

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