Britain To Make Horrifyingly Ill-Informed Choice

BRITAIN will today once again cast its vote guided by a series
of worthless opinions with no basis in fact.

As the polling stations open, stunningly ill-informed voters across the country are preparing to support a party manifesto that bears little or no relation to the fantasy world that exists inside their brains.

Helen Archer, from York, said: “I’m voting Lib Dem because I hate black people and after all these wasted years of the two old parties we finally have the chance to hate black people differently. Nick Clegg has a nice chin.”

Roy Hobbs, from Darlington, said: “I’m voting Labour because of the gypsies. There’s gypsies everywhere these days. Adrian Chiles is a gypsy. So is that Michael Caine. I’m standing on some gypsies right now.”

And Julian Cook, from Stevenage, added: “I’m voting Tory because I do not want this country to become Greece. Or is it Grease? On second thoughts, I do not want this country to become Saturday Night Fever.”

Meanwhile, in what is expected to be tightest election result in years, the Queen has warned Gordon Brown that if he turns up 9am tomorrow morning expecting to be made prime minister, a Grenadier Guardsman will drop him like a sack of carrots.

The Daily Mash guide to the post-election landscape:

1. The Conservatives win a majority. The TV is filled with lots pissed people called ‘Ollie’ who work for George Osborne looking incredibly red faced and pleased with themselves. By 2am Britain is already beginning to regret this. At 4am a gang of champagne-soaked Ollies charge out of party HQ and give a Clockwork-Orange style kicking to the nearest binman.

2. The Conservatives are the largest party with the most votes but just short of an overall majority. David Cameron becomes prime minister after doing a deal with Peter Robinson’s Democratic Unionist Party. The UK government is now held in place by a fundamentalist Christian who makes Jerry Falwell look like Graham Norton. Oops!

3. The Conservatives are well short of an overall majority and forced to do a deal with the Lib Dems. Nick Clegg will be on telly a lot. You will eventually realise what an unmitigated charlatan he is. Meanwhile Vince Cable gives half your money to a Chinaman and uses the rest to buy a series of tiny chocolate windfarms.

4. A Labour-Lib Dem coalition, but Nick Clegg demands Gordon Brown’s resignation. Ed Balls will be prime minister. Ed Balls will be prime minister. ED BALLS WILL BE PRIME MINISTER. ED BALLS WILL BE PRIME MINISTER.

ED BALLS WILL BE PRIME MINISTER.

5. Labour wins an overall majority because Gordon Brown is a good man who just gets angry somtimes, but you tell all your friends that this time it’s going to be different and they nod and smile and touch your arm, but eventually they stop inviting you for coffee and one day they pick-up the paper and just shake their heads when they read how your body was found under a patio.

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I am a working class NHS employee whose dad was a miner and whose grandmother was once sent to prison for evading poll tax. As a single parent I like to take my son on countryside rallies to campaign against fox hunting and my favourite colour is red. Many of my friends are gay immigrants. The thing is, there’s a man at my work who I find very attractive. The only problem is, he told me he intends to vote Conservative in the up-coming election. Do you think I should attempt pursue any form of relationship with this person? After all he does have a very nice bottom.
Tracy,
Manchester.

Dear Tracy,
Last week, my teacher bought in some eggs and put them in a special box with a lamp called an ‘incubator’. Every day we watched the eggs and they sat there doing nothing. Then one day, during silent reading, Sharon Eccles noticed that one of the eggs was moving. We watched and watched and eventually a little beak appeared. Then a slimy little yellow face started to poke its way out of the shell, until eventually a fluffy baby chick appeared and said ‘cheep’. We were all really excited and we named the chick ‘Mr Chirpy’. Our teacher said that we could all go outside and dig for worms to feed to Mr Chirpy. While we were finding Mr Chirpy’s dinner, Philip Walker decided to see if Mr Chirpy wanted to make friends with our class goldfish. Unfortunately, it turned out that Mr Chirpy wasn’t able to breathe under water and he died before any formal introductions could be made. Our teacher explained that chicks and goldfish simply aren’t meant to be friends, and Philip Walker had to go home early. If I were you, I’d just accept the fact that, in the same way as goldfish and baby chickens, some people are not meant to be friends. The best thing would be to forget all about this man before one of you winds up dead in a waste-paper basket.
Hope that helps!
Holly