Columnists

Critics are saying it sounds like a sequel to The Shining, and my response is: the what?

Most are making their selves look like homeless simpleton or sick prostitute.

Oh my, would you look at this. BBC2, nine o’clock, ‘The Fisters’.

ADVICE for the middle-aged couple undertaking a manned mission to Mars, with Richard and Judy.

It doesn't matter if you're the King of York or Lancaster - just as long as you're the King of You.

Mel, you with me? Remember the twelve inch? I think you do. We don't need another hero, is all I'm sayin', Mel. That was a bit of code between me and Mel, there.

After safely reaching port, we'll move into the Kremlin and dine on black caviar until we all get diarrhoea and have to lie down. Bon vivant!

I've wet myself. Inevitable.

Benjamin Disraeli would become the first name in Philip Schofield's list of gay Tory witches.