Columnists

Any massive particle - be it me, an aubergine, an altar boy - we've all been interfered with.

I have always been the world's greatest champion of younger women and, like Cheryl, have also suffered the inevitable betrayal.

With Mel’s advancing years and poor diet, he’s probably more familiar with asteroids' grizzlier cousin, hemorrhoids.

It's no secret that some of the things I write make pretty difficult reading. But this one has literally killed me. Costa Concordia 2012 – I was there.

'Hey Dermot, is that you in there, masturbating?'

It is almost like the seabed is Albert Square, the Queen Vic is its super-heated, noxious spewing hole and the community of gruesome, spineless jokes-of-nature are the cast of Eastenders.

Do they know it’s Christmas time at all? That's the question I like to ask of Great Britain’s turkey population at this time of year. Sadly, the answer is usually ‘yes’.

The modern world has forgotten that masturbation can be an aspirational activity.

I'd like to say I understand your problems but I'm in Thailand with my wife Pae Pwang-O'Connor maxing, relaxing and watching her play tennis in a bikini and heels.

I understand their pain better than most having recently watched the 28 Days Later actor, Cillian Murphy, talking about his latest sci-fi smash, In Time, in which he co-stars with the vital young rapper, Justin Timberlake.