Columnists

She's sophisticated, aromatic and has a top of speed of just under 20 miles per hour. This is my story of how I brought her into my life. Learn from it and let it inspire you.

If you're anything like me, you're thinking of the glamorous 80s pop sensation, Sabrina and her massive hit record Boys, boys, boys.

It's awards season, so how about awarding your self a mind gong?

Well, all I can say is 'gosh'. Well, I would probably say that if I was being interviewed by one of those dreadful LA queers who front those piss-poor Hollywood entertainment channels.

It makes me gag when I see celebrities getting on the news because of their latest booze-fuelled fixed penalty or suicide.

That's what I do, I solve problems - be it making sure we've got the top three floors of the Four Seasons Hotel or ending the war in Darfur with the power of my eyes.

Imagine you could have the eyes of a chameleon grafted onto your face and were able to swivel them independently of each other.

If you're freaking out because you've stolen some electrical goods from a shop, ruined a family event by taking too much cocaine or uploaded some naked pictures of your cheating ex-wife to the internet, don't feel bad.

IT'S Friday night and I am in a bar not far from Liz Jones's house near Taunton.

I miss sandwich spread sandwiches on medium white sliced bread with margarine, not butter - I don't like butter, because it's too salty and I don't like salty things.