TO stand out in the job market, why not impress on employers that you’re a first-class prick with your job title alone? Any of these should do it:
Guru
Means ‘worthy of respect’ in Sanskrit; means ‘self-important arsehole’ on your LinkedIn. History shows that, the odd Buddha aside, those announcing themselves as religious leaders rarely have pure motives. Daily motivational posts are a cult which seeks to control by dictating the holy laws of tech sales managers in the EMEA region.
Futurist
Technology is unpredictable. Understanding cloud computing does not mean your guesses of how we will live in 2065 are remotely credible. The only predictions we can be sure of is that deepfake porn will be everywhere and AI sex bots commonplace, and nobody wants you leaning over their cubicle opining that.
Wizard
There is truth in claiming to be something that doesn’t actually exist: nobody’s expecting you to actually cast spells therefore nobody will be disappointed. But robes and a staff are neither cool nor practical, the hat will be snatched off by teenagers on your bus, and you will inevitably be told to f**k off back to f**king Hogwarts. Where, to be fair, you belong.
Guerrilla
No matter how provocative it is to use a Glasgow Wonka Experience meme in a client meeting, it’s not asymmetrical warfare against a vastly more powerful opponent. Drawing parallels between unconventional ways of working and war tactics is a bit much. Che Guevara did not die for marketing to shake up the brand’s image with a sassy Twitter.
Storyteller
All the greats from Catullus to Jane Austen got started by plotting out brand personas and solving BAU challenges, surely? This title permits users to reframe a career of failure as a cautionary tale of lessons learned, like Jesus’s parables if they were all about getting made redundant during a restructure.
Rock star
Many rock stars, from Bono to Billy Corgan, are knobheads so in styling yourself as a vainglorious spotlight-hogger you’re being honest. And it’s a lot easier to use that phrase in a covering letter than to fit into leather trousers. But unless you’re sneaking out of the annual industry expo to OD on speedballs with strippers, you’re a delusional bellend.
