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Company's idea of reward is spending more time with colleagues

A BUSINESS has rewarded its employees for their long hours at work with more hours at work.

Staff at Malley Ventures were promised ‘a little bonus’ for working so hard but were disappointed when it was not monetary in value and involved spending even more time at the office.

Marketing manager Lauren Hewitt said: “They said we’d have an evening treat, which we thought meant going to the pub on the company credit card, but we had to spend it here. On the premises.

“They’d booked someone to do some mindfulness sessions, which I do believe can help to reduce stress, but not as much as getting shitfaced and slagging off Janice from accounts. That’s genuine catharsis.

“Instead we had a ‘sharing circle’ where we had to talk about the pressures we felt in our jobs. Everyone said things like ‘high workload’ when you knew what they wanted to say was ‘the boss is a massive prick’.

“And then we all lay down on yoga mats and did a guided meditation. It was nice enough but I was lying next to Carole’s bin where she’d discarded the remains of her tuna and onion sandwich, so I struggled to find my mind palace.”

CEO Stephen Malley said: “Feeling better, valued employees? Good. You’d better work twice as f**king hard on Monday, you lazy shits.”

Third act, inciting incident, deus ex machina: seven phrases bellends use when describing films

FILMS are either ‘cool’ or ‘shit’, yet morons insist on describing them using these types of irritating phrases.

In medias res

This is stuck-up film critic speak for ‘in the middle of things’. Although why they can’t express that they liked Saving Private Ryan’s epic beach landing scene in plain old English remains a mystery. Just say you thought the beginning was f**king amazing, you tosser.

Inciting incident

Otherwise known as the bit in the film where the plot finally takes off. It usually happens a few minutes after all the film studio logos have done their fancy animations and the characters have been established. Best not to pop out for a piss at this point or you’ll have no idea what’s going on.

MacGuffin

Nope, not something you’d find on a McDonald’s menu, although it’s amazing they haven’t done a tie-in McGuffin burger yet. Instead, this refers to an object or device that is only there to further the plot. In a similar way, the word ‘MacGuffin’ only exists to make you think ‘what a twat’ about whoever says it.

Rising action

Whereas mouth-breathing peasants only see movies in terms of special effects and celebrities, galaxy brain dickheads perceive them as a series of predictable events that can be plotted on a graph. ‘Rising action’ is one such event, usually used to describe a dramatic escalation of the stakes. You call it ‘the awesome bit with the guns’ or ‘that f**king sick car chase’, which is less pretentious but just as accurate.

Third act

Bellends love to notice the different acts in a film, even though doing so contributes nothing in terms of enjoying them. Nobody fondly remembers the climactic act of The Matrix because it follows a set scriptwriting formula, they love it because Neo stops bullets in mid-air then explodes Agent Smith. That Rage Against The Machine song is really cool, too.

Deus ex machina

Yes, you know this means ‘gods from the machine’ and that it comes from ancient Greek theatre. Mainly because whichever prick uses this phrase when talking about films explains it to you every time they say it. Ask them how to say ‘condescending wanker’ in Latin and see if they take the hint.

Trope

Everything is a trope to film critic bores. Love triangles are a trope. The direction is a trope. Characters talking to each other via dialogue or walking through doors with their legs are probably tropes with a stupid name. Coincidentally, people who refer to tropes are examples of the insufferable douchebag trope.

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