subscribe
/ Sign Out

Builder pissing himself laughing writing up your quote

A BUILDER is doubled up with laughter as he writes out an extortionate quote for a simple domestic job.

Jordan Gardner found himself profoundly amused as he considered how much of a piss-take he could get away with charging to replace some guttering and repoint a couple of bricks.

Gardner said: “I couldn’t even be arsed to take the ladders off the van when I went to price up, I just spouted some irrelevant bollocks about soffits and fascias and other words they didn’t understand and buggered off.

“The bloke could probably get away with just fitting a few new brackets, but where’s the money in that? Nope, I’ll be stripping the lot off and charging £800 quid to replace it.

“It would have been a simple job to do it himself but I’m happy to take his cash if he can’t be arsed to look it up on YouTube. It’ll only take about half an hour, so pound for pound, I’m on more than most professional footballers.

“I’ll book them in for a week on Thursday, then won’t turn up for another fortnight. No point looking too keen and they’re more desperate to pay if it looks like you might suddenly f**k off for no reason. Honestly, best job in the world.”

How to drag out an awful relationship to the bitter end

ARE you in a shitshow of a relationship and keen to prolong the misery? Here are five tips on keeping the disappointment alive:

Give up on romance

Every unhappily-ever-after begins with a lowering of standards, particularly when it comes to time-consuming extras like romance. Declare Valentine’s Day a waste of money, give practical presents like an ironing board for birthdays, and piss with the door open. Behold, romance is dead.

Turn your back on hope

Assuming you won’t find anything better is crucial if you want to invest in a future of disappointment with the person you don’t love. Fully commit to the belief that nobody else will want you, and then spend your life mired in bitterness and resentment because your partner pays their Playstation more attention than you.

Distract yourself

Rather than putting some effort into trying to fix your broken relationship, direct your thoughts elsewhere. A hobby, a pet, a fungal infection – anything that needs regular attention is a great way to keep your mind off how little you feel for your partner and stop you having the time or energy to do anything about it.

Cheat

If a hobby isn’t enough to fill the void in your relationship, distract yourself from the lack of love or physical intimacy by cheating. This will also help you not notice that your partner is cheating too. If you’re both happily being unfaithful you’ll be able to keep your loveless union alive for years longer than you should.

Turn a blind eye

No matter what shit your partner throws at you, pretend it never happened. With denial on your side, your crappy relationship will last beyond the limits of the patience of your friends and family, and stop you having to go through the faff of moving house.

Next story ›