Society

COMMUTERS using Southern Rail will need an advanced degree in modern poetry to know when their train is due.

A 35-YEAR-OLD man is the laughing stock of his office after being seen eating supermarket own-brand Hula Hoops at his desk.

EVERY last poster, mug and T-shirt bearing the ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ slogan has been destroyed in frustrated rage, it has emerged.

A GUARDIAN reader is secretly enjoying being even more earnest than usual because of Brexit.

A MAN who claims he has been ignored by politicians is actually a lazy dipshit who just likes complaining, it has emerged.

THE UK has been reminded that it should never, ever trust anyone named Jeremy. 

A WOMAN who found herself experiencing empathy for George Osborne is questioning her sanity, it has been confirmed.

THE screaming chaos presently engulfing the UK is entirely down to you, experts have confirmed.

A MAN hoping to boast about how Glastonbury Festival changed his life has found that people simply could not give a shit.

THE apple crops are looking much better this year, Leave voters have confirmed.