Society

A CHILD has begun telling jokes with zero understanding of what a joke actually is, her weary parents have noted.

SHE’S cute, you’re horny; why not throw in a compliment and see what happens? But never one of these.

DID your small child come out with a nugget of profound wisdom you selflessly passed on to others? No they f**king didn’t. Children do not say these things.

DID you know that Napoleon wrote the very first tweet? You do now. Here are some other made-up facts that will change your perspective on the past.

THE end-of-tenancy inspection has determined that you left the property in unacceptable condition. We identified the following problem areas requiring urgent renumeration.

RISHI Sunak has asserted that despite 'woke' claims, there are just two genders – Southern men and Southern women.

CHILDREN named after characters from Game of Thrones are now old enough to be in secondary school, their teachers have confirmed.

THERE are virtually no men who are five feet and eleven inches tall, research has discovered.

FORMER biscuit manufacturer Lotus Biscoff has finally got around to launching a line of Lotus Biscoff-flavoured sexual lubricants.

SHOPPING at Waitrose is like getting tenderly robbed by a kindly middle-aged lady, the public has agreed.